s.

i wasn’t expecting you to answer

when i knocked on your door.

but you do, and you smile at me,

and you shake my hand.

the skin of your hands, once-lover,

eczema-red and rough, are just as i remember.

but you speak nothing of the past.

i accept a cigarette, and you would walk with me.

after all these years, though, i still think of you.

i remember, once-lover, how you held me;

the roughness of your hands on my cheek and ribcage.

how you bought me flowers. i kept all of them.

once you would hold my neck and kiss me

like there was nothing else you could think of.

i held you deep inside me, anxious, vulnerable;

you kissed me with my taste rich on your tongue.

but that love is gone, and no longer

do i hold onto anything of yours.

i shall let you go, once-lover,

and bid you farewell with a handshake.

body

gaze upon the frame of my body

the shoulders whose breadth i cannot hide

my jawline, soft as it is, protruding

unadorned with hair but suspect nonetheless

ribs keep me locked away in a cage

constrained as i am by my own body

i cannot live as the woman i want to

"but my mind holds the key"

on the bus ride home my ears are full

of the sound of oscillating bone saws, 

burring, bossing, cunty contouring--

perhaps, this will make me whole?

seeker

for the sake of unity of the Holy One, blessed be He, with His Shechina.

were we always a monolatrous people? were we forever faithful?

for surely, the children of judah remember their altars,

and the trees sacred unto asherah, as jeremiah lamented. [1]

king josiah tore down the houses of the kedeishim, burned the asherah,

and cleansed jerusalem's holy temple of baʿal-worship. [2]

today what is left of the priestesses? where are the kedeishim?

their names have all been erased, and their devotees are no more. [3]

today we may imagine asherah's batim as tefillin of avoda-zaros woven [4]

outside the bedrooms of the polyamorous neopagan kedeishos of ʿishtar.

but these are not the baʿalim or asherim of our ancestors.

the avoda zara of yesteryear is now forever lost to us.

the zohar reveals that the hei in hashem's name is called asherah [5]

this is the holy Shechina; she has always been here.

the sin of our ancestors was to separate these divine aspects into idols.

blessed is the one trusts in the L-rd, whose trust is only in the L-rd. [6]

admired

i gaze into your eyes and at once i am transfixed with you

your soft lips are strawberry and rosé and i cannot get enough of it

i run my hands down your warm body and plant my mouth on your skin

you smell of agarwood and roses and i taste moscato on your neck

you pull me closer and dig your nails into my back (!)

i sharply inhale to a rush of adrenaline and sigh out a flood of endorphins

you then call me 'princess' and i just melt into you—

i believe this is what a biochemist would call "love"

adored

the sun glints on clean, shining snow today,

over fifteen centimetres from just the night before,

and the shimmer draws my gaze and i glance down

i notice i am walking into your fresh footprints now

my heart beats through my ribcage as you stare at me

i try to ignore it but you draw me in and now i can't look away

i feel almost choked trying to fill the gaps with words but

your saccharine kiss politely shuts me up

in your room you pull me in by the hip, right up against you

i am yours for this one pure and unending moment in time

your amaretto breath on my neck and warm fingertips on my collarbone—

i am sure that you could persuade me to stay the night...

come back to me

i cry when you tell me you love me.

the warm, gentle sweetness of your skin

welcomes me as though i have never harmed you

as though i have never done anything wrong at all.

i shake out my bedsheets and find toothpicks falling out.

they make me smile. they remind me i'm not alone.

you get home from work and leave your bag by the door

and your sweatshirt on the chair in my bedroom

you come back to me - and i to you

in the heat of the summer this year.

on cote-ste-catherine this year you almost kiss me

and i saw everything good in your eyes.

labour day in new york

this week the city heats to a boiling point

and young women melt on the southbound A train

a breeze pushes me eastward on 74th street that day

spite and heedless persistence carry me downstairs

the sun is at its peak and i re-enter the subway station

caroline and i explore the city, if only for the afternoon

i take the overnight bus home, only stopping at the border.

i cannot sleep more than a moment but i am finally at rest.