shuddering

 i shudder.

 

between prudence and slivowitz there was no contest

after twenty-seven hot, dry summers i'm still tasked 

to walk this earth for weeks or even months to come

and so i must make my life liveable

nightmares

i don't remember now the faces or the names

of all the people who have touched me--

tutors, teachers, pastors, fellows--

all those who've altered the flow of my life

and helped me to grow

 

but those which stick with me now-- 

those i wish i could forget-- 

i pray to god i never see again

(i pray for very little these days

but mercy, sweet mercy, from above) 

 

i split, we crumble,

the faces are gone for a moment

the memories inaccessible

just for a little while

and i am no longer in control 

 

but once my head hits the pillow

our eyes finally shut for another night

of elbow-pinching awkward sleep

i will still tingle and sting the next day

i am forced to relive it

 

i cense my bedroom, the whole apartment

cover each and every room with holy water

recite spells i hope will dispel

the stomach-turning days and nights

i cannot escape from in my sleep 

so this is goodbye

i can't get rid of you

even as i scour the pan in the sink you're there

telling me how i shouldn't use the steel wool

 

not little loved, the notes you left me

the drawings and poetry and ten-page letters

i got each time i left

 

old cigarettes crumbled into the pile

patch on my arm 

bruises on my legs 

 

i burn the ashes in my backyard

and i cense my entire body - this body, 

one you have never touched

s.

i wasn’t expecting you to answer

when i knocked on your door.

but you do, and you smile at me,

and you shake my hand.

the skin of your hands, once-lover,

eczema-red and rough, are just as i remember.

but you speak nothing of the past.

i accept a cigarette, and you would walk with me.

after all these years, though, i still think of you.

i remember, once-lover, how you held me;

the roughness of your hands on my cheek and ribcage.

how you bought me flowers. i kept all of them.

once you would hold my neck and kiss me

like there was nothing else you could think of.

i held you deep inside me, anxious, vulnerable;

you kissed me with my taste rich on your tongue.

but that love is gone, and no longer

do i hold onto anything of yours.

i shall let you go, once-lover,

and bid you farewell with a handshake.

body

gaze upon the frame of my body

the shoulders whose breadth i cannot hide

my jawline, soft as it is, protruding

unadorned with hair but suspect nonetheless

ribs keep me locked away in a cage

constrained as i am by my own body

i cannot live as the woman i want to

"but my mind holds the key"

on the bus ride home my ears are full

of the sound of oscillating bone saws, 

burring, bossing, cunty contouring--

perhaps, this will make me whole?

seeker

for the sake of unity of the Holy One, blessed be He, with His Shechina.

were we always a monolatrous people? were we forever faithful?

for surely, the children of judah remember their altars,

and the trees sacred unto asherah, as jeremiah lamented. [1]

king josiah tore down the houses of the kedeishim, burned the asherah,

and cleansed jerusalem's holy temple of baʿal-worship. [2]

today what is left of the priestesses? where are the kedeishim?

their names have all been erased, and their devotees are no more. [3]

today we may imagine asherah's batim as tefillin of avoda-zaros woven [4]

outside the bedrooms of the polyamorous neopagan kedeishos of ʿishtar.

but these are not the baʿalim or asherim of our ancestors.

the avoda zara of yesteryear is now forever lost to us.

the zohar reveals that the hei in hashem's name is called asherah [5]

this is the holy Shechina; she has always been here.

the sin of our ancestors was to separate these divine aspects into idols.

blessed is the one trusts in the L-rd, whose trust is only in the L-rd. [6]

admired

i gaze into your eyes and at once i am transfixed with you

your soft lips are strawberry and rosé and i cannot get enough of it

i run my hands down your warm body and plant my mouth on your skin

you smell of agarwood and roses and i taste moscato on your neck

you pull me closer and dig your nails into my back (!)

i sharply inhale to a rush of adrenaline and sigh out a flood of endorphins

you then call me 'princess' and i just melt into you—

i believe this is what a biochemist would call "love"