forgiveness

what does forgiveness sound like?

does it sound like a sigh?

(mint-scented by nicorette)

a letting-go of all of the resentment and hurt

with the slow release of my breath?

 

does it look like lips trembling? hands shaking?

maybe it's okay, then, that i can't keep my hands steady...

perhaps it just looks like i'm moving on

(maybe it's the withdrawal)

perhaps i don't need to keep my voice from faltering

 

does forgiveness look like a new wardrobe? 

am i still allowed to keep my favourite shirt?

the one patched and mended countless times

deep cleaned of stains, falling apart at the seams, 

old enough that i know you've touched it. 

 

i wish i could tear it apart

threadbare, so thin it's see-through

ripping through it would be so easy

but i know i’d never let myself

 

oh, god, oh, my god, 

please, lord, have mercy have mercy,

give peace to your servant,

grant me rest and comfort just this once

and i will be faithful all the days of my life

 

faithful was i never when i was with him

promises broken and hopes mocked

wandering my eyes and faltering my heart

not for a single night was he enough for me

does forgiveness look like an apology?

could it take the form of tear-stained cheeks

red with the burning of resentment and regret

indignation always preceding penitence

must i apologize? self righteous as i am 

must i forgive? must i move on

let loose the millstone from my neck

swim to the surface and breathe

forgiveness must look like this, then

prozac and my sponsor my closest friends

but i’ll make some new friends

who’ll dance the twelve-step at my wake

rebuild my life from the rubble i left

resurrect the boy i used to be from the grave

the pile of old CDs and torn band t-shirts