christmas at 20

an early morning
i am up before the sun is
it is dark this morning and
i have a long day ahead of me

a kiss for the road
and three more in the pocket
a greyhound into the capital
an ache in my lower back

ottawa doesn't scare me
like it did six months ago
i won't be hiding my face
walking down these streets

i'll take a train to tunney's pasture
and a bus into the suburbs
carrying a bag of bridgehead coffee
and years of memories here

this is christmas at twenty:
i'm alone on the o-train.
i'm putting my feelings aside.
i'm doing this for you, mom.

you expected a lot from me.
you had ideas and plans laid out
but i'm not who you wanted me to be
and i don't love the winter like i used to.

this will be my last christmas—
i won't raise my kids with it.
there is hardly any snow here and
i hope it stays that way.