i cannot describe or understand the person i am anymore without yearning
not as a romantic ideal or an abstract concept but as an actual physical hole in me.
i'm stuck with this lingering sense that something is missing, that there is something i lack
but i don't even know what that might be or where i should go looking for it
and so i turn inside myself and try to refine the person that i am
i no longer feel my past chase and weigh me down but i worry about the future
recognizing the mistakes i have made has made me a better person
but
nothing i can do right now will get me what i want
i turn inside myself and i daven to G-d that everything will turn out alright
i close my eyes and recite the ancient words which for a moment keep me together
i stand and i shuckle until the kesher of my shel rosh gets tangled in my ponytail
and so when i remove it my hair is frizzy and sticks up in all directions
like bedhead, as though i was making love to the aibeshter. (a sick sense of prayer.)

and even in this moment i have a twisted idea of intimacy
i'm reminded of the mere concept and instinctively shut it down.

nothing i can do right now will get me what i want
in my head i imagine i can focus on my studies and drown everything else out
but then i take an extra vyvanse and just stare at my computer screen for hours
i am not capable of focusing let alone drowning out what calls to me
in my free time i daydream about what our apartment might look like
as though us being in a relationship once again is already a given
i get distracted looking at apartments. i scroll through marketplace for hours
i fantasize about running away sometimes. a lot of the time, actually. 
but
nothing i can do right now will get me what i want
and right now i'm working on accepting that.