untitled, pt. 2

once i decided to skip town that was it, my mind was set

i thought if i changed my place i could change my luck

took my things from your apartment, booked a rideshare

and went away to a city i knew where i would stick

there's still times now when i feel like running away

when things have gone wrong or started to feel stagnant

my reflex is to daydream about leaving everything behind

think about meeting different people, seeing new places

but this isn't what i want. i built something for myself here

through all the loneliness and countless apartments

i finally feel like i'm where i want to be, and who i want to be

and that's not worth giving up for an escapist fantasy

old things

used up cartridges of printer ink

empty film canisters storing old things

my audio jack, finicky once wet with snow

i twist the cable trying to get the sound back

i hear a girl crying in a bathroom stall

being broken up with on the phone

he hangs up and she calls back frantically

begging for an answer to "what did i do?"

the battery of my secondhand tablet

is running out much quicker these days

i get frustrated, my study interrupted

and in that moment i hate technology everything

my cell phone's cover screen cracked

sometime when i worked at the library

i've thought about getting it fixed

but i'm just not invested enough

cellphone contacts

"what is it that your therapist said?
"you're 'making mountains out of molehills' again?"
well, yes, maybe i am making problems
or at least blowing them out of proportion
(maybe i'm even being a little dramatic)

but i think that's warranted in this situation
i find myself housed (!) with a good support network (!)
and yet flip through my cellphone contacts late at night
when i need someone to talk to and come up blank
finding nobody i can call

i realize i am covered in snow
from sitting in the park by beis rivka
i hopped the fence into the baseball diamond
meandered northward and lay down in the middle
with a foot of snow as my pillow

and yes maybe it is concerning that
your voice is the one in my head right now
"rationalizing" me after all these years
but you know me i've always needed a bit of antagonism
always loved a healthy dose of masochism

as i begin to head home to warm up
stumbling just a little, typing on my ipod
only now noticing the dampness in my left shoe
which i know was never meant for this weather—
just below freezing, perfect for drinking in the park—

i feel a compulsion now (why now?)
i need to write i need to write i need to write
i need to get this out onto some paper or somewhere else
it's bad enough that he's in my head
i don't need you here too!!!